Tuesday, December 30, 2008

On Notice: Epstein... AND Barr

So, you know how I've been sick a lot lately, and my workouts have been intermittently crappy, and I've been going to bed at like 8 PM most Friday nights? (Okay, you wouldn't know that one, but take my word for it.) Turns out I have mono. As in, um, MONO. As in, I must be back in Junior High, so let's meet at the mall in our best jean jackets, suck back an Orange Julius and try on Keds at Thom McCann. This is what I get for being a 9th grade strumpet and making out with John Dillaby in the arcade's insta-photo booth.

The Mayo clinic says to get plenty of rest (which I already do), and to drink lots of fruit juice (which I absolutely will NOT), and then the following, which is so beyond comprehension that upon reading it, my brain attempted to fold on itself.

Wait to return to sports and other activities.

"Most signs and symptoms of mononucleosis ease within a few weeks, but it may be two to three months before you feel completely normal. The more rest you get, the sooner you should recover.

Returning to your usual schedule too soon can increase the risk of a relapse. If you're an athlete, be cautious about returning to strenuous activities or contact sports, especially if your spleen is enlarged, because of the increased risk of rupturing the spleen.

Although you may not be able to return to vigorous activities right away, your doctor may recommend gradual exercise to help you rebuild your strength as you recover from mononucleosis"

Now, those Mayo people seem pretty smart, and I appreciate that they care enough to offer this perfectly reasonable advice. But clearly, much of this advice was intended for People Who Are Not Me. My spleen, for instance, has already achieved Diesel status (way ahead of my shoulders, dammit), and therefore is in absolutely NO danger of exploding. So their "gradual exercise" can suck it. In addition, the idea of taking two to three months to fully recover is fine, if you're a lazy, underachieving bastard. Based on my first-born status, perfectionist tendencies and stubborn streak, I estimate I should be fully recovered in 10.7 days, plus or minus a few hours depending on external environmental factors.

Of course, I'm not a total idiot. I realize that I will have to alter my training to help my body recover. Which means swinging the 20K instead of the 24K, and scaling the Filthy Fifty to a Dirty Thirty. My trainer says sometimes I am more Stubborn than Smart. He would be proud of my excellent judgment here.

Point is, I don't feel totally fantastic, but I don't feel awful either. My gym sessions have been decent, and as it is rare for my workout to involve someone punching me in the spleen, there is no reason I can't continue to hit my program as outlined. If I'm tired, I'll take a rest day. And now that my Christmas carb-fest is a good week in the past, I'll keep IF'ing a few days a week, eating super clean and avoiding the martinis, which should help keep my energy levels consistent.

And I AM looking on the bright side... as Scott currently has no symptoms, this could actually come in handy around the house. No, YOU take the dog out, or Epstein and Barr will pay you a visit while you sleep. Apparently, mono took the last of my scruples, too.


dawn said...

SHIT! That's terrible. A girl at work has mono. She was back to working 4 hours a day, she felt so good she stayed for 6 one day, emergency room that night with an enlarged spleen. Be careful and take care of yourself.

Flatman said...

Feel better! Awesome blog...

Bob Guere said...

Get well soon. (that's what I'm supposed to say). What I really want to say is... Mono has given you the insight to write your best blog post ever. I don't know why I like today's post so much, maybe it's your condescending shot at the Mayo folks, or just your verbal kick-in-the-crotch-to-mono. I just liked it. Better than your F.O. scale even.

But seriously, get well soon. Careful with the spleen. By the way, useless organ, you can live without it, my sister does.

Jenn said...

What Dawn said. A buddy of mine had mono a few years ago, tried to go back to work too soon and ended up out of work for six weeks. It took him several months to recover completely, and he's a young guy who's very fit.

I know you don't work in construction like he does, but still, be careful and take of yourself properly!

Daniel said...

Hope you feel better soon. Maybe you should listen to some NKOTB. Hang tough.

Gant Grimes said...

In CrossFitLand, all doctors are complete idiots and the answer to every physical problem is to train through it.

Every now and then it's good to leave the compound.

Thor! said...

Gant is speaking the truth on this one... Just because we know that real squats are in fact good for us, doesnt mean we are quite ready to start brain surgery just yet. Just make sure to take care of yourself!

Mark said...

I had mono in HS and it truly sucks. Get better so you can move on, otherwise, it will linger.

One way to keep track of yourself is to use Dan John's dot test: http://www.t-nation.com/article/most_recent/3_tape_measures_of_progress.

It's towards the bottom of the article. The basic idea is to make as many dots on a paper as you can in 10 seconds. Do this daily. When your dot count starts to slip, you need to back off. It's a Canary for your system.

Maximus Lewin said...

"let's meet at the mall in our best jean jackets, suck back an Orange Julius and try on Keds at Thom McCann."

Um, did you grow up in Central New York??

AJ said...

I had mono about 8 years ago. I would feel decent for about 4 hours and then have to rush home to go to sleep. A fatigue that could only be compared to sleeping gas.

I have been sick for the last two weeks. I think that I have stereo this time.

Evelyn Rodas said...

AJ: hilarious. Please, if you get surround-sound, go to the ER immediately.
MB: We're rooting for you (your fans).

Christin Street said...

Surely you picked it up from your Gym Boyfriend. Hope you feel better soon.

theresa said...

Hilarious, Christin! Nice connection to a previous post.

Epstein and Barr? Juan Epstein and Roseanne Barr? Yeah, who wants them to drop by for a visit.

Get well soon, MB.

JG said...

Orange Julius.. Nice! I actually went out and googled the recipe after that.

Not exactly paleo friendly. No wonder I was a chubby kid. Wonder what it would taste like w/o the sugar.

Anyway, get better.

6 oz. frozen orange juice concentrate
1 cup milk
1 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
8-9 ice cubes

1. Combine all ingredients except ice cubes in blender.
2. Blend for about 1-2 minutes, adding ice cubes one at a time.

Anonymous said...

Wow Melissa. Take care. Go read up on Mike ODonnell's response to "Feed a Cold" thread I put up on Performance Menu when I was sick off and on for several weeks.
Don't go blowing your spleen. It's very dicey living without one and you will need immediate surgery if it ruptures or you will die.
Don't fuck around.